Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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