his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize