my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
so much tequila, so little girl.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
