my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
