my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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