3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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