also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
