she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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