apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I'm really busy with my period
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