my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
