why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
