i permit you to call me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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