I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
