I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Enjoy the penises
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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