Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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