so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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