they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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