New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
