we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
