Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
