Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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