Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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