There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
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