Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
