I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
