I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
