She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
