Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
