The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I wear drunk well.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up under a house in Key West
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
