wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
