dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
