You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
