So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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