i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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