Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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