I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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