I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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