Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
