I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
