He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
