You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
