At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
