He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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