On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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