you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize