I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
