I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
