i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
