youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
