just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
