Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
