After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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