if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize