Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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