before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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