so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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