I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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