Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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