Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
