Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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