I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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